Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
