Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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