We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
