if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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