one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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