There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
This house was built for laser tag.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
