unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
