this beer tastes like vomit already
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
