drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize