when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
