The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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