you're like a bully in the Christmas story
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
