I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
