i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
