YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
