Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize