He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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