i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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