I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
