I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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