i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
