Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
