And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
