So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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