In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
