one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
