Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You ruined the universe
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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