I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
