I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
