tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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