i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
