i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
