Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
