im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
