please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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