Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
