I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
