Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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