Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
