this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
