My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
