She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
