Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Of course I have a pirate flag
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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