dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
