If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
