I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I will pee on everything he values.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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