He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
