Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize