I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize