I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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