Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
