Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
