wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
