come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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