What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
