The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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