My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
