Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
