After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
