I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
