im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
