I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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